If the wife is a stay-at-home mom, it goes without saying that all her responsibilities are around the kids and housework.
The wife is at home, which automatically means the children are taken care of and all chores around the house are completed.
Where is the husband in that perfect equation?
The husband is a mandatory part of the puzzle and should help the stay-at-home mom as much as is necessary for the family to function perfectly.
What if that’s not the case in your house?
Your husband is not helping you enough, making you extremely sad and hurt.
You want that to change and your husband to be more involved in childcare and household duties.
Let’s see the reasons why your husband behaves like that, but also try to find the right way how you should approach this problem.
You Are a Stay-at-home Mom, but Your Husband Doesn’t Want to Help You? 3 Major Reasons
You are probably wondering why your husband is behaving like this.
Was he like that before the kids, or did he suddenly become like that now?
You need all the help you can get, but he doesn’t understand that at all.
What are the reasons why he does not want to help you:
1. Your Husband is Extremely Traditional
Are we going to get into touchy traditional gender roles subjects?
Yes, we are!
Your husband is still in that kind of traditional mindset, which is not necessarily bad, but it is clearly not good in your example.
Your husband wants to live the life of old black-and-white commercials.
You know that scene when the husband comes home from work and says, “Honey, I’m home,” and expects that the house is clean, the wife is smiling, the children are doing their homework in peace, and lunch is on the table.
That’s all well and good, but times have changed.
That system may have been good once, but now times are such that everyone has to be involved in everything.
And the fact that a wife does not have to work and can dedicate herself to children is already a privilege.
There is also a considerable influence on how he grew up and what patterns of behavior he saw.
Maybe your husband’s father or grandfather lived like that.
Your husband idealizes that traditional approach now, but it does not mean he can behave like that today.
2. Your Husband is Selfish
Again, his parents are probably to blame for this because they didn’t prepare him enough for life.
Selfish people are very often spoiled.
Was your husband like this even before you had children?
When you think about it, he was, but you could deal with it because it wasn’t that difficult. But now it’s an entirely different story.
Your husband considers his contribution to your family is that he is the main provider.
This gives him the right not to have any household and children responsibilities.
Maybe he’s even acting like he used to, playing video games all day and hanging out every weekend with his buddies.
Perhaps he drinks a few more than he should, which annoys you a lot.
Your husband provides that paycheck, the magic ticket that saves him from all obligations.
And when he does something around the house, you have to remind him several times.
Otherwise, he says he will do things but doesn’t do them.
3. Your Husband Doesn’t Want You to Be a Stay At Home Mom
Was the deal between you and your husband that you stay home and be a housewife and SAHM?
You wanted it that way because you think it’s the best for your family, and he agreed.
Now suddenly he has a change of heart about that decision and thinks you should work.
Maybe your financial situation is forcing him to do this.
He realized how many expenses there are around children. There are mountains of diapers, milk, and clothes that they outgrow too quickly.
He believes you cannot maintain the same quality of life if you do not work.
It is even worse if he is some person who is too concerned about material things.
An enjoyable way of life is essential to him.
It’s not that it doesn’t matter to you, but sacrifices must be made for the children’s sake.
In the second case, we will assume that your husband earns quite well and that the children have not put too much financial strain on your lifestyle.
But he considers you lazy because you don’t work.
If you fall asleep in the morning and have difficulty getting out of bed, he’s angry at you.
What he doesn’t see is that you had to be with a child who had nightmares and didn’t want to sleep all night.
He did not notice it. After all, he slept comfortably in the other room because he must be rested at work.
You don’t work, so you don’t get tired; that’s his logic.
Unlike the traditional husband from the first example, this modern husband wants you to pursue a career.
He has no problem with children being looked after by babysitters or with kids being in children’s daycare as much as possible.
You absolutely do not agree with your husband on this. Because you want to be with your children as much as possible.
Especially when they are too young and need their parents’ presence the most.
How Do You Feel as a Stay-at-home Mom When Your Husband Doesn’t Want to Help You?
We are sure you do not feel as happy and fulfilled as you should in marriage and as a mother.
On the contrary, you feel unappreciated, taken for granted, and neglected.
You probably even wonder if your husband even likes being a father.
Maybe he feels like his life is ruined because he became a father?
You are tired all the time because you are too busy with obligations.
Your husband doesn’t understand how hard it is for you to do everything yourself, and he lacks understanding.
Did you know that misunderstanding, lack of tolerance, and patience are one of the main reasons for divorce in 2022?
Marriage requires us to put the needs of others before ourselves sometimes and in parenthood constantly.
How Do You Finally Explain to Your Husband That You Need Help?
You probably want to lash out at him, but that’s not the right way.
Try this way:
1. Let Your Husband Know How Much Work You Have as SAH Parent
According to a survey, stay-at-home parents work an average of 98 hours weekly. That adds up to working more than two full-time jobs.
Huge numbers, right? But we disagree on that.
Parenting is a responsibility for 24 hours a day/7 day a week/365 days a year.
Children are constant responsibilities, especially when they are still young.
They are lovely but also like little Tasmanian devils who can always make a mess.
Your husband must understand how much time you spend with the children and how much of a commitment it is.
2. Ask Your Husband What Parenting is to Him
It may be too direct a question, but it’s not like he didn’t deserve it with his behavior.
Ok, there are responsibilities around the kids, but what’s much more important is spending time with the kids.
Spending time with children should not be seen as an obligation.
Children are not chores. They are human beings who seek love and attention from both parents.
Both parents must play their role in the upbringing of children.
Also, don’t let your husband be just a “Fun Dad.”
You know how it goes, you are there all day with them, you know how to be strict when necessary, you give them vegetables to eat…
And then your husband, also known as the fun dad, comes home from work, brings them pizza, and plays with them for half an hour, and he is considered a hero.
Both parents must make the best decisions for their children together and actively participate in their development.
3. Arrange Household and Child Responsibilities
We understand that your husband works and can’t help you all day, but it’s time to agree on some chores he will do.
Sharing chores is practical because it saves time, effort, and availability.
But it is also emotional because it shows that your husband respects you and takes care of his children.
Your husband is not a guest in his house but an active participant, and it’s time he realized that.
To Come to The Point,
A husband should help a wife who is a SAHM as much as necessary.
Even a little more than that.
You and your husband are partners in everything, including household duties and responsibilities regarding the children.
If your husband doesn’t want to be a guest in his house and a random character in his children’s lives, he better get involved.