Despite all historical struggles for gender equality, many women still live a sad reality in which they run from one job to another at home.
And even though they had wonderful relationships with their partners before living together, when it was necessary to share the daily life responsibilities around the children or the house, their partners suddenly failed.
Someone had to take all the burden on themselves.
And many women carry that burden for years without asking themselves whether life can be better.
What is particularly sad is the attitude of women who believe this is normal and that it should be so while the joy of life is slipping away in front of their eyes.
Every relationship is 50%-50% shared responsibility in every sense.
There is no need to carry any burden alone, and certainly not all the unpleasant burden of household duties.
To begin with, it is important that you identify the expectations and behaviors of your partner that lead to an unequal relationship and that you adequately stand up for yourself.
Lazy, Immature, or Just Patriarchal?
Women have been brought up for so long to silently meet everyone’s expectations that sometimes they don’t even notice how much the unfair division of roles costs them.
Not only does the unequal division of responsibilities harm your psychophysical health, but it also damages the relationship between you and your partner, no less.
There’s a big difference between your husband not sharing chores with you because he plays games all day, is lazy and unmotivated or was raised to think that’s normal.
Ask yourself how long passion can last in a relationship where one always gives more.
How long can mutual respect last where one always gives more?
If your partner acts like a child, what else is left for you to do but act like a parent or fight constantly?
How will a partner who refuses to do basic household chores behave in the event of your serious health crisis or other serious problem?
Maybe household chores seem like a small thing. Still, the attitude towards them indicates personality traits that are very important for the quality of the relationship.
My Husband Expects Me to Do Everything and Work
Maybe once the situation was such that only your husband was employed, so it was logical to expect you to take on all household duties.
Perhaps your husband was raised in a very patriarchal spirit.
There are a million reasons why your husband might believe that it is normal for him to expect that if you share a home and you both work, the household chores should be your sole responsibility.
However, absolutely none of those reasons are reasonable or justified unless your husband is in a wheelchair or otherwise disabled.
Ask him a simple question: If you lived with a friend or a roommate, would you expect him to clean the house, clean up after you, do the laundry and do all the other household chores?
As expected, the answer to this question is usually “no” and is often followed by an even less reasonable explanation like “but that’s something else.”
The next question you can ask is: Does that mean you have more respect for your friend than you do for me?
And here, in most cases, you will get very confusing answers.
You can certainly continue with questions in a similar manner, but what is important is to set clear boundaries and say what you expect him to take on from the responsibilities and what you expect from him.
You must also present him with the consequences of not respecting the agreed split of duties.
My Husband Comes Home from Work and Does Nothing
In this scenario, the husband usually believes that it is perfectly fine to lie down and rest when he gets home from work.
It’s not that he’s directly imposing obligations on you, but he’s so focused on his own needs that he doesn’t even notice that he’s satisfying them at your expense.
He’ll wonder why you’re so tired when it’s time to sleep.
He may not be so much patriarchal as he is oblivious to the series of necessary household chores that make life flow.
In this case, the solution to the problem is not drastically different from the previous one.
Certainly, it is important to make the partner aware of what life together requires.
You can start by allowing yourself to lie down and rest after returning from work.
You can then simply tell your partner what household chores you want him to do today.
And so day by day until it becomes everyday.
If your partner persistently avoids obligations, you mustn’t immediately jump in to save the situation. Let the responsibilities pile up.
Sometimes your partner needs to see concrete consequences to understand the importance of those “dirty” chores.
Maybe one morning, he just won’t have any shirts ironed for work.
Maybe one night, there won’t be anything for dinner because no one went to get groceries and no one had time to cook.
That’s not your problem.
Nothing will change as long as you silently take on responsibilities that are not yours.
Change your behavior, and you will inevitably cause a change in your partner.
My husband Won’t Fix Anything Around the House
Before you complain about your husband not fixing anything around the house, you should know why that is.
Just as the days when women were expected to know how to cook everything are long gone, men are not expected to know how to fix everything around the house either.
Maybe your husband doesn’t know how to fix the stove, put together a shelf, or unclog the drain.
The only thing that matters is that there is an agreement between you as to who deals with those duties.
Clearly, not everything can be your responsibility.
Clearly, he doesn’t have to be a jack of all trades.
But it is also clear that if the repairs in the house are his responsibility, he will be the one to find, call the handyman, and arrange the repairs.
The Division of Household Chores
Suppose you don’t want your relationship to be reduced to fighting over who did the laundry and who cooked lunch one day.
In that case, it is very important that you agree on the division of household duties from the start.
It’s a conversation you should definitely have before you decide to live together, but it’s never too late to establish a healthier relationship.
So put on paper a list of all household duties. Also, note how often each task is performed.
Take care not to skip even the smallest household duty.
When you are sure that you have everything on paper, arrange a conversation with your husband.
Do not carry out such a conversation in passing or on the way.
That way, you only run the risk of not being taken seriously.
Take the time to have that conversation, and prepare a response to every possible comment he makes.
Be persistent, and don’t give up until you find a solution that really works for you.
It is very important that you show your husband the consequences of breaking the agreement and that you stick to them.
If He Doesn’t Know How – Teach Him
If you think that only you suffer in an unequal relationship, you are mistaken.
When you constantly take all the burden on yourself, the other person doesn’t even have a chance to develop or use the skills they have and thus gradually becomes passive.
Especially avoid the “You can’t do it, I’ll do it better” attitude.
If your husband can’t cook, he will learn. If he can’t use the washing machine, he will learn.
None of this is rocket science, and if he’s already at that age and doesn’t know how to use them, it’s definitely better to teach him how to do it himself than to do it all for him.
If you have children, it can also be a lesson for them.
In Conclusion
If you’ve been doing all the work for a long time, you’ll probably need more persistence to be taken seriously.
But keep in mind that you are not only doing this for yourself but for your entire relationship.
There is nothing good about having one person bear responsibility for everything around the house, especially when children are involved.
In this case, the children may perceive your husband as someone they cannot rely on.
When you are not there or unable to do everything yourself, your family will fall into chaos.
And if you have a healthy and capable husband, there’s really no reason to let that happen.