Basically, every marriage is a partnership. And like any partnership, it requires compromises and cooperation from both sides.
Any partnership in which the interests of one partner are more dominant sooner or later enters a crisis.
If your husband wants you to spend every vacation with his family, and you don’t agree with him, try to understand his reasons before you get into an argument.
When you understand what motivates your husband to stick to the same choice regarding vacation, you’ll find it much easier to confront him.
If you feel bad asking for changes, hold on, we’ve got some useful tips to get through.
Problem #1: He Feels More at Ease with His Family Around
You probably know your husband’s family well.
Did he grow up with parents who did everything for him, who saw him as something special?
Is it when he is freed from all his daily responsibilities and doesn’t have to do anything by himself?
If this is the case, it is very clear why your husband prefers to vacation with his family.
With them, he again enters the role of a child that others take care of and probably also leaves the care of your children to the parents.
He wouldn’t be able to be so comfortable with your family.
He would still have to be a father and a husband and not just a child of his parents.
- You can point out that children need to spend time with both families, subtly urging your husband to make a responsible decision as a father.
- You can suggest that he take some time when he will be alone with his parents if he cares so much, but that you spend the family vacation with your parents, or alone.
- You can propose you travel alone while he and the kids are with his parents.
- You can suggest that, if feasible, you spend a joint vacation with both families.
- If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents.
Problem #2: He Doesn’t Trust Your Parents
If there have been situations in the past where something happened to your children while living with your parents, your husband may still blame them for it.
This is somewhat justified, but the reality is that children are naturally mischievous, and accidents can always happen, even with the most attentive guardians.
Avoiding spending time with your family is certainly not a solution.
- Explain to your husband that it is important for the children to be in contact with both families. Let him know that bad things can happen to anyone and that he can’t blame your parents forever for one mistake.
- Agree with your husband that one of you will always be with the children near the grandparents if it will be easier for him to accept a holiday with them.
- Explain to your husband that it is important for you to have a good relationship with your parents, just as it is for him to have a good relationship with his parents.
Problem #3: He Feels Insecure Around Your Parents
If your parents are very accomplished and your husband perceives himself as not as successful, he may feel challenged every time he is around your family.
Maybe he is not as highly educated, talented, or wealthy as your parents, or maybe your parents find subtle ways to make him feel that way.
Pay attention to how your parents treat your husband. If they undermine his self-respect, it is no wonder he doesn’t like the idea of spending the vacation with them.
Make sure you understand the situation – is your husband suffering from low self-esteem, or are your parents behaving in such a way to make him feel less worthy on purpose?
- Talk to your husband and let him know how highly you think of him. He will feel more confident around your parents if he feels you believe him.
- Talk to your parents; feel free to ask them not to behave in a way that is demeaning or belittling to anyone. Remind them that such behavior is not a good example for your kids either.
- Explain both to your parents and your partner that vacation is a time to enjoy, and ask them to put all of their disagreements aside for the sake of your kids.
Problem #4: Your Husband is Used to Making all the Calls in Your Relationship
If your husband is patriarchally oriented and does not question his decisions or consult with you at all, even though the decisions concern the whole family, it is high time that you do something for the benefit of the whole family.
A patriarchal upbringing does not give anyone the right to make decisions for you.
If you have allowed your family organization to boil down to your husband making all the key decisions, changing that practice can be quite challenging. But a joint vacation is a great start.
- If your husband has been in charge for a long time, it is not wise to oppose him directly from the beginning. Keep in mind that he believes that you are okay with him being the dominant partner. First, explain to him how you feel and how much it would mean to you to spend the holidays with your family this year.
- Explain to him that it is also important for the children to spend time with both families and that it is in the interest of all of you to stay connected.
- Avoid arguments, emphasize how you feel and why it is important for you to spend your vacation with your family.
Wrapping It All Up
It’s always easiest to give an ultimatum, but make it your last option. Try to find a common language with your partner, and really understand his reasons.
Disagreements are the opportunity to achieve an even greater intimacy with our partner. Every problem you overcome together makes your whole family stronger.