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Why My Husband Picks Fights and Then Blames Me? 6 Probable Reasons

Couples fight; that is not something unusual. It’s great if they learn lessons from those fights and improve their relationship.

What is unacceptable are the toxic arguing patterns that can become established in marriage. Such a pattern happens in your marriage, and your husband is responsible for it.

It looks like this: Your husband starts an argument and then puts all the blame on you. You naturally react to this, making the quarrel even more intense.

Why does your husband pick a fight and then blame you? The reasons for this behavior can be his immaturity, narcissism, excessive defensiveness, learned coping mechanisms, and low self-esteem.

couple arguing

All of this can lead to and is very close to emotional abuse, and you certainly do not want that in your marriage.

His behavior like this is putting your marriage on a rough patch because, let’s face it, this is not a healthy relationship. It is only a matter of time before it becomes too much for you, and you decide to get a divorce.

One shocking fact is that even 50% of marriages in the United States end in divorce.

You don’t want to be part of that statistic. It is possible to turn the tide in your marriage and for your husband to see that his behavior is only ruining your relationship.

This is a topic that we will explain in this article.

6 Possible Reasons Why Your Husband Picks Fights with You?

How is it possible that your husband became like this? He was so kind and sweet, but now it seems like he is constantly angry at you

The present situation may have developed gradually, or it could be a trait that he has always possessed, but you are only just beginning to observe it.

These are the potential reasons for his behavior:

1. Your Husband Has Narcissistic Tendencies

Looks like you got “lucky” and married a narcissist.

Narcissists can be very charming. How else to explain that they usually have a lot of friends, but marriage with them can be a total mess.

At the core of narcissists is that they adore being the center of attention and will do anything to succeed.

Picking a fight? Not a problem for a narcissist.

Your narcissistic husband will not hold back from starting an argument with you just to shift the blame onto you. His ultimate satisfaction will be if he wins the quarrel and you admit under pressure that it was your fault, even though it wasn’t.

2. Your Husband Is Used To Such Behavior

What is your husband’s family like? You must have noticed some patterns of behavior in them.

If problems in his family were solved by constantly shifting the blame to one another, it is highly possible that your husband adopted this behavior.

For your husband, this is entirely normal because he observed his parents behaving this way, although it is not a sign of a healthy relationship.

It would be even worse if his parents blamed him for everything. 

He now has a subconscious need to do the same, and unfortunately, since you are the closest to him, he is most often like that towards you.

3. Picking Fights is Your Husbands Defense Mechanism

“Attack is the best defense.”

Your husband is guided by logic: it is better if he attacks you and puts the blame on you before you attack him.

His automatic “fight or flight” response navigates him to become all defensive and to defend himself even when he is not attacked.

This may be because those who are guilty or hiding something have the most need to defend themselves.

Your husband might be hiding something he doesn’t want you to know because he knows you’ll get angry. It could be a potential affair. There can also be problems with alcohol, which often cause quarrels in marriages.

4. Your Husband Is A Perfectionist

While having a partner who is always striving for excellence would be a positive trait, it can actually lead to negative consequences.

One negative consequence is that your husband constantly wants to argue with you and criticize you. Because nothing you do is up to his standards.

Your cooking? How many conflicts have occurred because your husband bashed you for cooking badly? He doesn’t see your effort in preparing the food but acts like a judge in a cooking show who can’t wait to tell you how inedible your food is.

Housework? The house is never as flawless as your perfectionist husband would like it to be. That’s why he’s constantly nitpicking you for not doing enough around the house.

General organization in marriage? With perfectionists, everything must be correct and on time. So don’t be surprised when your husband wakes you early in the morning on weekends and is angry with you for sleeping too long.

5. Your Husband Lacks Confidence

Your husband is struggling with a lack of self-confidence. Unfortunately, he chooses the worst possible way to boost his self-confidence: arguing with you and blaming you.

He gets annoyed by his bosses at work because they mistreat him, and then he comes home and plays the tough guy in front of you. And in reality, he suffers from a massive lack of self-confidence.

Instead of facing himself and working on improving his self-esteem, he chooses to fight with you.

Being married to a husband like this is far from a fairy tale.

6. Your Husband Struggles With Maturely Handling Problems

Problems are an inevitable part of life.

Your husband may be going through problems such as a release, financial instability, unfulfilled expectations, and mental health issues.

But he blames it on you. According to him, it is your fault that he quit his job, you spent too much money, your annoyance makes him nervous, and similar.

Instead of rationally approaching problems and accepting responsibility, his choice is to blame you.

Sometimes you feel like your husband hates you because he blames you for everything.

What to Do When Your Husband Picks Fights and Blames You for Everything?

What actions can you take if your husband is prone to initiating arguments and wrongfully blaming you for everything? This is definitely not a healthy atmosphere in a marriage. 

In addition to the fact that these arguments lead nowhere, there is resentment between you and your husband, but under the pressure of all these criticisms, your self-confidence and well-being are threatened.

Here are the steps you need to take:

1. Tell Your Husband How You Feel

It is clear that you are not happy about his behavior.

You never imagined that your marriage would turn out like this. That’s why you are sad and disappointed.

If your husband truly cares about you, he must understand that his behavior impacts you negatively and try to change it.

It’s hard to explain to a husband who thinks he’s doing it “for your own good,” but again, we emphasize that a husband who loves you must recognize his toxic behavior.

2. Don’t Fuel Fire With Fire

It’s straightforward to overreact and fight more when your husband shifts the blame to you.

There is no point in playing blame games with your husband.

Don’t play his mind games or let your husband’s behavior get to you. Instead, take deep breaths, and try to remain calm.

Responding to his arguments with aggression or defensiveness will only escalate the situation.

3. Set Boundaries

It is unacceptable that your husband constantly picks fights with you and accuses you of everything.

You must draw some lines and let him know that you will not tolerate this kind of behavior.

If your husband continues to pick fights, let him know that you will not engage in arguments and that you will leave the room or the house if necessary.

4. Seek Professional Help

If you find yourself facing difficulties in effectively communicating with your spouse, seeking out the aid of a professional therapist can prove quite beneficial. 

They possess the skill set necessary to teach you valuable communication techniques and offer guidance on handling conflicts in a healthy and productive manner.

5. Consider Leaving 

The hardest thing can be saying goodbye, but sometimes it’s necessary. 

This behavior of your husband can be or even already is emotional abuse

Suppose your husband’s behavior is abusive or shows no signs of improving despite your efforts. In that case, it may be time to consider leaving the relationship for your own safety and well-being.

Most Importantly – Don’t Blame Yourself

We’re not saying that you’re never wrong and that nothing in your marriage is your fault.

That’s not the point of this article at all; we hope that’s clear to you.

The point is that arguments in marriage should not be resolved by shifting blame onto each other.

Arguments can be more of a constructive discussion than a fight where many disrespectful words are said.

Strive to implement this in your marriage. We hope your husband will also recognize its significance.

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