If you are married to a guy who says you don’t do enough around the house, you first need to ask yourself whether he does enough around the house?
This kind of remark from his side raises many serious questions:
- Have you ever divided household chores and responsibilities?
- How do you split household chores if you do?
- If you have kids, are you both equally involved in their upbringing?
- Have you ever talked about expectations regarding your family life organization?
This kind of complaint can be a form of verbal and psychological abuse. It can be a way for him to manipulate you.
It can also be his unhealthy way of telling you he wants more attention from you.
The times when the only and most important role of a woman was to keep her man happy are long, long gone.
There isn’t a single reason you should allow yourself to put up with this kind of chauvinism in the face of the 22 century.
How each partner in the relationship feels about the allocation of domestic tasks may be more important than if unpaid work is split equally.
When one of you is upset over undone duties, the stress level in your family rises.
Nearly as often as they argue over money, couples quarrel over who is responsible for what around the house.
How to Act When Your Husband Says You Don’t Do Enough Around the House
Instead of just feeling bad about yourself, there are a number of ways you can respond when your husband tells you you don’t do enough around the house.
Here are some of the most effective tactics:
Ask Him to Define What “Enough” Means
The fact that he wants to enter a perfectly tidy house after work while you are running home from your paid job to continue dealing with household chores for free does not give him the right to determine what is and is not enough.
Suppose he is not in the habit of doing anything related to housework but expects everything to be dark for him.
In that case, the only real question is, why did you ever allow it to be that way?
Why do you think you are worth less?
Why do you think you don’t deserve someone to clean your house for you?
What would happen if you asked him such questions?
If you don’t dare to think that way, at least ask him to define what is enough in the beginning.
Insist on being very specific. If he can’t give you a precise answer, his complaints have nothing to do with whether you do enough work around the house.
Insist on Making the Household Chores List
Another way to counter such accusations is to take the initiative to make a list of household chores together and then share the responsibilities together.
Post that list in a visible place and regularly check off everything you do.
Behave just like him the first time you see that he has failed to complete one of his tasks from the list.
The point is not to chase him and scold him because he forgot something but to show him how pointless his criticism of you was and that anyone can act like a criticizing idiot.
In case you really missed doing something, he could have asked you if you were okay and if you needed help with something and not immediately complained that you were not doing enough around the house.
Respond by Blaming Him
This is a little bit of a dirty tactic, but if you are pissed off at your husband, it will work for you.
He surely isn’t perfect, and he must have done something wrong.
You need to find a way to rub his nose with it so that he forgets about complaining and gets focused on defending himself. Yes, this may backfire and turn into a serious conflict.
But how can you even live with someone who treats you like a maid?
Are you happy and turned on by someone who does nothing for you but expects you to care for everything?
You were not born to be a made, a mermaid maybe, but a maid? Never!
Maybe It’s Time For a Serious Conversation
If such remarks are very offensive to you if they bother you a lot, and if it is not enough for you to reciprocate or play other psychological games, an honest and open conversation can never be a mistake.
Choose a sensible moment to talk to your husband about his remarks, express your displeasure and communicate your expectations from him.
Don’t do it on the way, while watching TV, eating lunch, or with the kids. You can announce to him that you have something serious to tell him. Demand that he take you seriously.
Prepare well for the conversation, and don’t let him get away with it.
The stress level in your family might significantly rise if you or your partner disagree with how the responsibilities are divided.
One of the biggest sources of stress in many partnerships is the uneven division of household duties.
For instance, one study discovered that wives’ top sources of stress included their husbands’ unwillingness to contribute to household chores.
Have You Heard of Weaponized Incompetence?
Pretending to be incompetent to avoid taking on joint duties is known as weaponized incompetence.
Faking incompetence when it comes to domestic tasks like filling the dishwasher, folding clothes, or cleaning up rooms forces these responsibilities upon the other spouse, who frequently takes over to ensure that these important household tasks are completed properly.
This tendency is typically linked to stereotyped partnerships in which males pretend to be inept at making their female partners do the majority (or even all) of the home responsibilities.
However, it may also occur in other kinds of relationships, such as friendships and same-sex partnerships.
It damages relationships severely and is a passive-aggressive method of evading household chores and parental responsibilities.
The spouse who does all these duties feels oppressed, alone, and overburdened.
Additionally, it conveys a lack of regard for the partner by the one who is shirking responsibility. As a result, intimacy is hampered, and it becomes challenging for a person to trust their spouse.
How to Split the Chores?
If one of you fails to carry through commitments to perform your fair share of household chores, try to figure out why jointly.
Sometimes one partner commits too much or underestimates how long it will take to complete a task.
It won’t work to hold your spouse responsible for what hasn’t been completed. Plan a second time and make any necessary modifications.
Be accommodating and let your spouse complete chores in their own manner.
Do it yourself if having the towels folded specifically is essential to you.
You must make decisions if, after talking about the issue, you and your partner still cannot resolve it.
Examine the areas of your home and garden where you may cut corners to save time and money. Alternatively, work on organizing your house to make it more functional.
Consider if some tasks actually need to be completed regularly.
It’s crucial to respect one another’s body clocks as well. Some individuals like the morning, while others prefer the evening.
When people aren’t actually prepared to complete a task or project, forcing each other to make them accomplish it leads to conflict. Timing is crucial.
As a marriage, decide on your priorities. What matters most to each of you, really?
Many couples discover that they approach how the duties are divided differently. 1 Some folks are just unconcerned by domestic discord.
However, if your partner finds your house dirty and it upsets you, you both need to compromise.
Final Thoughts
The division of household chores is frequently greatly influenced by gendered expectations for how men and women are supposed to act and the roles they are expected to perform in a family.
Greater autonomy is typically associated with “men’s” jobs. In contrast, monotonous, repetitive tasks (like cleaning the dishes or the laundry) are frequently associated with “women’s” employment.
Traditional gender roles are linked to unequal household contributions. Increased work-family conflict was also connected to this imbalance.
Your relationship may suffer due to the unequal division of chores. Still, there are things you can do to make your home more egalitarian.
Discuss what has to be done together and devise a strategy that both of you believe is just.
The division of jobs doesn’t have to be exact; rather, it’s crucial that each worker feels as though their part of the work is equal.