Everyone expresses love in their own way. Most often, we express it the way we got it.
If we lived with parents who freely expressed their emotions, we would not hold back either.
If we lived in a slightly colder atmosphere, the physical expression of emotions might not feel as natural to us.
We are often attracted to people who are utterly different from us. As if we feel that we will learn something from mutual differences.
However, unless we are highly reflective, even though opposites attract, communication problems often arise in such couples, despite great love and passion.
If your husband constantly tells you that he feels like you don’t care about him, the problem can only be in his perception. And maybe you really have a problem with expressing tenderness.
There are many different reasons why your husband may feel this way.
Let’s list some typical ones which will help you understand and improve your relationship.
He Is Trying to Manipulate You
A particular type of man in relationships does not know how to ask directly for what he wants, so he resorts to various forms of manipulation.
If your husband constantly complains you don’t care enough for him, and at the same time, he uses sentences like “if you really loved me, you would do xx for me,” and at the same time he often has very clear ideas about what you should do to prove your love, 99% is manipulation.
People who get what they want in this way either don’t believe they deserve what they want or think that what they want is somehow inadequate.
This kind of emotional blackmail can turn even the best relationship into a toxic one, so it’s essential to confront it in time.
Your husband’s goal is to force certain favors or a form of behavior from you by causing guilt.
First of all, let go of the guilt. Clearly and loudly explain to your husband that you experience what he is doing as blackmail and that it only drives you further away.
Explain to him that he can get what he wants from you without causing guilt and blackmail. Ask him how he would feel and behave in your situation.
Insist on agreeing on how you can still show him love and make him feel loved without blackmailing and constant complaining.
It is crucial that you don’t slip into the role of mother and don’t treat him like a grown-up child but like an adult, which he is.
He is Codependent
Issues that codependent personalities face typically come from adverse childhood experiences.
Such people did not have a stable figure on whom they could rely emotionally, and they had a deep-rooted fear that everyone they loved would leave them or fail them somehow.
In men, this type of attachment often manifests itself as jealousy but also as frequent complaints that the partner does not care enough for them.
Nevertheless, even though these people usually drag unresolved issues for a long time, it is not so difficult to dissuade them.
If you are an emotionally stable person and you really love your husband, your natural, calm, and kind attitude will be somewhat therapeutic for him.
These people are just looking for a little more affirmation that you care, but once they are convinced they are loved, they become wonderful partners.
Express love with words and touch. Be consistent. Honor agreements.
The point is to send him a message that you are there for him and will not let him down.
If he avoids talking about problems and doesn’t want to admit he has one, make sure he feels safe before you confront him with the issues you have.
His Idea of Showing Affection is Different
It is quite possible that your husband has an entirely different idea of what love should look like.
Maybe they expect more conversations, more sex, or a different routine. Perhaps it’s a little thing that you don’t notice at all.
Each of us has a unique language of love – certain gestures are recognized and used as a sign of love.
If you did not have such misunderstandings before marriage, it is possible that your husband expected your relationship to change somehow after marriage.
In this case, the solution is straightforward. Ask your husband to tell you precisely what love means to him, and at the same time, convey to him what you imagine love and relationship in marriage to look like.
Talk about the ways in which you have recognized love in other relationships so far, and agree on joint rituals that will remind you of how important it is to spend time together.
He Cares More for You than You for Him
You are used to receiving a lot of attention from your husband and him showering you with so much love that you don’t notice at all that he might need you to respond in the same way.
For you, it goes without saying that he makes you coffee and prepares breakfast, arranges a pleasant surprise, or makes you happy in some other way.
He has never shown a desire to need proof of love from you before. This scenario is typical of men who believe they must fight for love.
When, at some point, they get tired of the constant struggle, which is primarily fought within them and not in reality, only then do they begin to say that they, too, need attention.
Switch roles sometimes. If you care, surprise him with nice gestures that you know he would like.
When he is convinced that you also fight for him, you can open the topic of what love means to him and what it means to you, and how you can organize your everyday life so that you both enjoy it.
You Never Make the First Move in Bed
If the situation is such that he always initiates sex, and it wasn’t like that while you were in a relationship, it’s only a matter of time before he will start to doubt your relationship.
This pattern may be a way to hide more serious problems. If you are chronically too tired for sex, is it because you have too many responsibilities during the day or because you don’t share household duties, so he has much more time for rest and relaxation?
Your lack of initiative may actually be a silent protest against the unequal division of responsibilities. And it’s not fair that you alone bear the burden of family life.
No tactics are helpful in this case. Only an open conversation can really improve the relationship.
It’s not a solution to force yourself to have sex when you don’t feel like it. But it is not a solution to take revenge on him silently either.
It would help if you openly said what you expect from him and showed that you need rest more than anything.
You Spend More Time With Your BFF Than With Him
If you often go out with friends without him, go to various events without him, and do not show a desire to show up as a couple at events important to him, he can quickly feel as if he is always in the second place.
It is important that you have joint activities as a couple, just as each of you must have your own time. Maybe you’ve relaxed too much and are taking him for granted.
Reexamine how you spend your time. Define activities you can enjoy together. Imagine how you would feel if he acted like you.
He Is Spoiled
If your husband is an only child, he may be used to an unrealistic amount of attention.
If he feels neglected each time you don’t fulfill his wishes or respond to his needs, that behavior indicates immaturity and unreadiness for a real relationship.
He projects mother figures onto his partners, wants everything his way, and expects to receive the treatment that only a child can receive from his mother. Such behavior is not okay and can be seriously draining for you.
You can choose to act like a strict mom who will set limits for him, but even though it can be effective, it still keeps you in an unhealthy parent-child relationship.
You can calmly show him what kind of behavior you expect from him and hope that he has the capacity to react like an adult.
With this type of personality, there is always a risk that he will lose interest in the whole relationship when he loses his “guardian,” so perhaps the most successful intervention would be couple’s therapy.
Don’t forget that every problem, like every solution, takes two in a relationship. There is not the slightest possibility that your responsibility for your marriage is greater than 50%.
Good communication can solve everything much more easily than you think.
Every challenge is also a chance to deepen the relationship. So, if you have already decided to be married, don’t give up on the relationship so quickly.