Every healthy relationship is built on healthy communication.
Yes, love, respect, and attraction are important, but communication is essential for any relationship to work.
Now you suddenly find yourself in the position where your husband avoids talking about problems.
Life throws various problems in front of us, from minor to significant.
When two people are in a relationship, all problems should be shared.
Our partner’s problems are also our problems.
But how do you help someone if they keep quiet about it and avoid the subject?
Your relationship is going through a difficult period, and you want to discuss it.
You approach your husband with serious topics, but he runs away from these conversations and avoids them as much as possible.
So how to fix something when you don’t have the support of your partner?
Brushing the problem under the rug is never a good solution, so in this article, we will try to explain your husband’s behavior and offer you some solutions.
Why do Men Avoid Talking About Problems?
It is a common stereotype that men talk less than women.
Take a look around and decide for yourself if that stereotype is true.
Men avoid talking about problems because they are afraid of appearing weak.
They are expected to solve problems, not talk about them.
Talking about problems can only deepen your husband’s convictions that he has failed at something.
Your husband may feel that his masculinity is threatened.
To all this, let’s add the concept of toxic masculinity, according to which a man never cries and solves all problems because he is the manly man who solves everything.
Let’s also add that men are often less emotional than women.
Men prefer a more rational and realistic approach to problems. They want issues solved quickly, while women approach the problem from a deeper perspective.
These are no excuses for your husband to run away from talking about problems.
Men can cry and make mistakes and not have their masculinity compromised because of that.
How Does My Husband Avoid Talking About Problems?
Your husband has probably become a pro at avoiding talking about problems.
You know that scene when he comes home from work and sits on the couch, and you want to talk right now.
Problems differ from a leaking sink to the fact that you might want to change jobs or something is bothering you.
All you get from your husband is, “Honey, I’m tired.” You try to talk to him, and he watches sports or plays video games all day.
He has done his job, he is a hero because of that, and now he expects that no one bothers him with their problems, not even you.
Maybe you start talking to him about your problems, and you only get cold random answers, and he doesn’t listen to you at all. He stares at the phone or the TV while you try to say something important.
Talking about problems is always postponed, and you always get the well-known “can we discuss it another time” from him.
It’s always another time, and it’s never the right time.
The worst thing is if he literally runs away from the conversation, he suddenly decides to hang out with his friends.
He may even get angry that you “attack” him with problems instead of letting him rest.
Why Does He Avoid Discussing Problems?
We made some general points about masculinity in general above, but now let’s get more specific.
Has your husband always been this way about talking and solving problems?
If he was like that when you met, it’s no wonder he’s like that now.
Irresponsibility usually goes together well with laziness and lack of motivation.
Maybe they are one of those who are used to having everyone else work for them.
Let’s say he has such parents who did not adequately prepare him for life and facing problems, and they did everything instead of him.
Such a man-child now expects you to care for everything and not burden him.
He doesn’t mind the obvious elephant in the room, but you do.
Perhaps he strives for escapism from reality because reality can be challenging and tiring.
With a stressful job full of problems, and a monotonous life routine, he is simply numb to receiving information about more issues than he already has.
He just wants to come home and escape to his perfect escapist world and not be disturbed.
Maybe he has a hobby that helps him with that.
Even if he’s an introvert and doesn’t like to talk a lot, that doesn’t give him the right to avoid discussing his problems with you.
Perhaps, your husband doesn’t want to talk about problems because he fears a misunderstanding between you two and a potential heated argument.
He may be guilty of something he did or didn’t do.
It’s also possible that he won’t agree with you and doesn’t want to talk because he knows he may hurt you with his words.
For example, you want a baby, and he avoids the conversation because he knows he’s not ready.
Gaslighting and Stonewalling
These two methods are often used to avoid solving problems in a relationship.
Gaslighting is even a form of abuse because we convince our partner of something that didn’t happen.
To gaslighter husband, you are a drama queen. You are always making up problems and too dramatic and paranoid.
He goes so far as to convince you there is no obvious problem, just to avoid having a serious conversation about it.
Unlike gaslighting, a form of abuse, stonewalling is a defense mechanism, but not a good one.
Stonewalling is when we completely shut down from conversations with our partner and refuse to talk.
Some would say this is the silent treatment, but this is even worse.
When our partner exposes us to problems, we suddenly become defensive and passive-aggressive.
Also, the stonewaller husband leaves in the middle of a conversation with you, changes the subject, hides something from you, never admits his guilt, etc.
It’s like he’s deliberately putting up a wall between you and him.
Is Your Relationship in Danger if Your Husband Avoids Discussing Problems?
Your relationship is seriously jeopardized if your husband does not want to discuss problems.
Communication and problem-solving are the foundation of any good relationship.
By solving problems together, you and your husband strengthen your relationship.
If the husband does not want to discuss problems, he harms your relationship.
In this way, you lose trust in him and become distant from each other.
Distance leads to loneliness, resentment, and so on.
All this can make you feel like he doesn’t care about you.
If this continues for a long time, all these negative emotions can cause your love to fade.
Any problem not discussed and fixed but instead swept under the rug can pop up when you least expect it.
Remember that leaking sink? And your husband will only remember it when it floods your whole house.
How to Deal With a Husband Who Won’t Talk About Problems?
1. Approach The Situation Non-aggressively
You won’t achieve anything if you attack him as soon as he enters the house.
Approach the situation diplomatically. An argument will only distance your husband further.
2. Choose The Right Time
You don’t need to make appointments to explain your problems to your husband.
However, if you approach him at the right time, he may be more involved in discussing problems than usual.
Consider why he doesn’t want to talk about the problem.
If you know something is bothering him, say some huge problem at work, you don’t have to immediately add fuel to the fire with another unexpected problem.
3. Explain The Problem to Him as Precisely as Possible
Men just like everything to be explained to them exactly.
For example, don’t say, “This house is falling apart,” but say precisely what the problems in the house are.
If something is bothering you emotionally, tell him directly too. Don’t take that feminine approach of “I don’t care” when it’s evident that something is bothering you.
5. Don’t Make Him Feel Bad if He Can’t Solve a Problem
If you constantly criticize him no matter what happens, it’s no wonder he doesn’t want to talk or solve problems anymore.
Replace criticism with understanding and non-judgment, and then he won’t feel like he’s disappointing you if he can’t solve something.
6. Explain to Him The Negative Impact of Avoiding Talking About Problems
You don’t feel good about his behavior? Tell him.
Tell him everything that is bothering you. If he loves you and cares about you, he will do something to change his attitude.
“Conflict avoidance is not the hallmark of a good relationship. On the contrary, it is a symptom of serious problems and poor communication.”— Harriet B. Braiker
Just avoiding talking about the problem is a potential problem.
Try these tips, and hopefully, your husband will finally realize that his behavior hurts your relationship.