Divorce is a difficult decision and requires a lot of thought. The administrative process is not simple either, so it is by no means worth deciding on divorce hastily.
When your ex-wife wants to get back together, you should be very careful before providing any response to her. If you also have children together, you should be even more cautious.
If you are 100% sure you want to have nothing more with your wife than you already have, this text is not for you.
But, if even the slightest part of you considers getting back to your wife, there are many issues you need to take into account.
While some divorces are absolute nightmares, others are settled amicably and with the utmost respect.
Whatever the reasons for your divorce, there are some things you should know when your ex-wife makes overtures to get back with you again. It might be risky to revert to previous patterns and habits.
Do You Still Love Your Ex-Wife?
If your relationship with your ex-wife was based on passion, was full of ups and downs, and the divorce came as a great relief, no matter how flattered you are that she wants you back, it is essential to understand that you have to put yourself first.
There’s a great chance your ex-wife wants to get back together for reasons that have nothing to do with how great you are but more with how desperate she is.
Passionate, big loves look great on film, but in reality, they are just a reflection of various pathologies. True love does not have to be stormy or particularly exciting to be beautiful.
Here are some questions that would be good for you to answer yourself when your ex expresses a desire to come back to you.
- Did your ex-wife bring out the best or the worst in you?
- Was one of the reasons for the divorce a loss of trust, her or your cheating?
- Is your ex-wife an unstable personality, prone to abusive behavior?
- Is your life better organized, more pleasant, and easier after the divorce?
- Did you feel guilty about leaving her?
- Did your ex-wife react to the divorce by threatening to harm herself, to take revenge on you?
- Did your ex-wife have addiction problems?
- When you were married, did your wife rely on you too much?
- Did you feel that you had to do everything by yourself?
- Do you feel a strong sexual attraction towards your ex-wife but are repulsed by your experience with her?
- Is your wife a person who never admits their mistake?
If the answer to most of the above questions is yes, the relationship between you and your ex-wife was likely not based on healthy and mature love.
What if your great love boils down to your complementary pathologies? Maybe you needed each other to mature, to overcome and outgrow specific toxic patterns. Such relationships usually do not have a good prognosis and rarely last.
Romantic Love or Toxic Relationship
We all have some burden from the past, some relational wound that we heal more or less successfully throughout life.
When that wound is a little more serious, then we can be inclined to enter into destructive relationships.
As paradoxical as it sounds, we tend to repeat bad experiences every time, hoping that somehow, this time, we will manage to get what we need. However, this usually does not happen; toxic relationships end with difficulty and suffering.
People with whom we have such strong ties, ties that are complementary to our pathology, are always significant to us, and we always have strong feelings for them for a long time.
But not every strong feeling is love, and it is essential to be able to recognize that.
What Made Her Change Her Mind
Another critical factor you must consider is why your ex-wife wants to get back together.
If you’ve already hit the wall with her once, you both need to know exactly what happened to you and what went wrong to have any chance.
Whatever the reason your ex-wife wants to get back together, it must be clear to you that your relationship can never be the same as it was before.
You’ve Divorced Just Recently
How long has it been since your divorce? If you’ve divorced just recently, your ex might still be in the phase where she is reconsidering her decision and still does not see divorce as a final solution even though everything is already done.
Every change requires a certain period of adjustment. Divorce is one of the biggest, most important, and stressful changes in life, so it is necessary to wait for some time to pass before we even form an opinion about what happened.
You Divorced Long Time Ago
If a lot of time has passed since your divorce, and your ex-wife already had some partners in the meantime, then the situation is completely different.
Sometimes partners need to separate for them to grow, mature, and understand what they had together.
Perhaps after gaining more experience in relationships, your wife realized that the best thing she had was with you, and she may believe it is worth fighting for it again.
Nurture Open Mindedness
Whatever your situation, you must not resort to generalizations and prejudices and make decisions based on other people’s experiences or advice.
Only you can know how you feel about your ex-wife and what your relationship was like. Prejudices and generalizations are used by people who do not want to review their experiences, are not introspective, and refuse to think about life.
Everyone has the right to a second chance, including your marriage. It only depends on you whether you will repeat the same mistakes or use the experience you already have with your wife to tailor the life and relationship you need.
If you want to give your ex-wife a second chance, you need to keep an open mind. That’s the only way you’ll be able to see if you’ve both changed and how it might affect your relationship in the future.
Every love is unique, as is every divorce. Don’t let other people’s experiences be the mold and yardstick for your relationships.
When Getting Back to Your Ex Is a Good Idea
Many couples who get back together for the long term develop a stronger and more fulfilling relationship than in their prior marriage.
Examining the reasons why it ended is the first thing that has to be done. From there, you can determine whether or not things will really be “different this time.”
Here are three scenarios to help you decide when getting back together with an ex could be the best course of action to help you decide.
1. Both of you evolved
If, in the meantime, you both matured, changed, and became the people you always wanted to be, and you still have feelings for each other, there is no reason not to try again.
You can start dating first and play around to see where your relationship will take you this time. This is, of course, possible if you are absolutely sure that you know what was wrong in your marriage before.
2. The circumstances have changed
If the reason for your breakup was that “it just wasn’t the right time for us,” it could be worthwhile to try again if things have changed.
Relationships frequently terminate as a result of outside reasons like distance and employment. Living with your or her family may also play a huge role in how your marriage turns out.
It could be time to try things again if she moved back to the city after completing graduate school on the other side of the nation or if you started a new career that would eliminate your 100-hour work weeks.
Make sure that things have changed for the better, not simply because your potential partner claims they will.
3. Your viewpoint has changed
Have you ended the marriage because you didn’t feel satisfied, loved, or happy, or you just thought you could easily find somebody better on Bumble?
Not being able to find a more suitable partner is a lousy justification for reconciliation, and it’s crucial to avoid doing so in the context of a scarcity economy.
You have to be aware of what has actually changed between the two of you.
If you ended your relationship on the grounds that you should date while you’re still young because you’re young, there’s no harm in reevaluating your sentiments now that you’ve had some dating experience.
You never know. Spending some time on Tinder could have made you realize that your ex is exactly who you’ve been seeking all this time.
No matter how heartbroken you are after a relationship ends, fantasizing about a far better second try is typically not a smart idea. A relationship terminated for a reason if it did.
The great majority of the time, it is a poor idea for people to get back together.
Still, if you think your marriage deserves a second shot, you shouldn’t allow any number to ruin your prospects of happiness.