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My Wife Doesn’t Want to Spend Time With Me – What Can I Do?

When your wife avoids spending time with you, you can be sure your marriage is not in a good place. 

Maybe you disappointed her somehow, or perhaps she’s just not into you anymore, either way, running away from the problem is never the solution. 

Kids often change the marriage dynamics. Getting through rough patches takes a lot of finetuning, mutual respect, support, and understanding. 

If your wife never wants to spend time with you, she may be tired or just need some time on her own. 

It is essential that you see the whole context, not just instantly jump to the conclusion that your marriage is doomed.

Reason 1. Baby Changed Everything

Young tired woman sitting on the bed near children's cot.

If you have recently had a child, reconsider how much you participate in child care? 

Have you completely left the child’s care to your wife? Is she the only one who feeds, sleeps, settles, and plays with your child? 

Men often leave parenthood to women by default and act as if the title of father is only for PR.

If you haven’t thought about this until now, it will be enough to spend just one night with the baby to understand why your wife avoids spending time with you. 

No one really wants to sleep like a baby – they wake up several times during the night, have colic, are hungry, hot, and then cold – they require undivided attention and care. 

It is neither expected nor healthy for your child to act as if only your wife is responsible for responding to the baby’s needs.

Feeling Like Her Second Best 

Many men, when a child arrives, feel as if they are not important to their wives as before. 

Well, good morning to you too – of course, you cannot be more important than a newborn who depends entirely on the care of adults. 

Second, you are not a child but an adult partner to your wife. 

Don’t act like a child who grabs her by the skirt, but step forward like a man and take on the hard work of caring for a child on an equal footing with a woman.

Then you won’t have time to think about how your wife spends her time either. 

It is not only good for your wife that you act like a mature and mentally healthy father, but it is essential for your child.

Why did you decide to have children if you are not ready to take care of them?

If all this makes you angry, and you think to yourself, my father didn’t take care of me either – then you must have a wonderful relationship with your father, right? 

Are you sure you want to have the same relationship with your child that your father had with you?

Women are often presented as victims of patriarchal upbringing. Still, the painful truth is that men are equally victims of that system. 

Instead of growing into mature adults who have the capacity to be good parents, they behave like children in marriage who expect a woman to clean up around them and meet their needs just like their mother.

Ask yourself – if you are a good enough father before you expect your woman to be a good enough wife. 

Reason 2. She Can’t Get Over Some Mistakes You Made in the Past

Depressed young woman

Suppose you recently confessed to cheating on her or did something else that you know would hurt her. 

In that case, it is very possible that she is struggling with it and that she needs time to overcome the rupture in your relationship. 

You must take her feelings seriously and respect them regardless of whether you think that what you did is adequate or not. She may doubt that you honestly care for her

If you want to overcome the crisis in the relationship, make an effort to show her that you are ready to wait for her to come back to you on her own and that you will patiently be there for her all the time. 

If you call it humiliation, you react like a child. When she is hurt, your wife looks for stable support in you, and as long as you behave like a child, she cannot see stability in you. 

This is not a matter of pride; now, you need to be strong in a mature way, not in a macho way from lousy teen movies.

Do not smother, obsess, beg, or insist on sex. Don’t greet her with a criticizing attitude, find fault with her, or place the blame on her. 

Even if you are right, she will only see you as a weakling if you act like that.

Accept that you can’t control her, that you have to let her go so she can return to you. And you have to be really ready for her to leave. 

Find a way to understand how she feels and be her rock. Every marriage goes through crises, and those who don’t survive are those who don’t know how to overcome them.

Reason 3. Your Wife Has an Affair 

The possibility of your wife having an affair is always there. However, few people get involved in an affair just like that because a third party appears. 

Very often, the affair is a symptom of something missing in the relationship, so the woman is looking for a way to replace it. 

Indeed, an affair is seldom a good way to solve a problem in a relationship. 

But on the other hand, although men are often not inclined to forgive a woman’s affair, you must understand that cheating does not have to be a reason for divorce at all. 

Suppose you can distance yourself and look at the affair as a symptom that will help you see what your wife lacks. 

In that case, you can easily overcome such a situation and build an even deeper, safer, and more stable relationship. 

So, a series of cheats and cheating behaviors is one thing, but one lonely affair is something else entirely. 

Before you judge her, think about what your marriage would have been like if she felt it was OK and wanted an affair at all?

Quick Tips on How to Behave

couple talking about problems

1. Let her be. It is easy to struggle, restrain her, and exercise control. Still, that will make you appear small-minded, insecure, and helpless. 

If she’s going to cheat or run, be calm about it, seem confident, give her a kiss, and let her go. 

The decision to be married must be made one day at a time. You are either admitted or excluded. Together or alone, both of you will change and develop. 

You cannot compel her to choose to be with you.

2. Be a good parent to your kids. You may develop your relationship by having talks, going for walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc., not only with your wife but with everyone.


dad and daughter prepare food

Your kids will pay greater attention to you—not out of fear, but rather because they understand that they must.

3. Plan beforehand. Don’t always ask her what she wants to do. Schedule a few date evenings as a surprise. 

Think of enjoyable activities for you to do and check in with her to see how she enjoys herself. 

Don’t bully, be definite and adaptive. Works in bed, too – simply make sure she feels comfortable saying “no.”

4. Establish boundaries and uphold them. You will discover that it is, for example, OK to ask, “Would you be OK with my doing that?” rather than to respond, “I don’t want you to do that.” 

Then, hold her accountable. If you follow through, the behavior will usually stop on its own. For instance, you can agree she can spend two or three nights away each week, but only if you can do the same. 

The tension levels will decrease as you begin to offer more support than criticism to her. 

5. Follow your own path. You should exercise outside at least once or twice a week, whether for trail running, cross-fit, weight lifting, martial arts, or anything else. 

You’ll get perspective, and your wife will have time to miss you. Additionally, you’ll also get into great shape. 

Make sure you engage in enjoyable activities with the kids when she goes out. 

Don’t call her thousand times to ask her where she keeps the diapers or similar. 

Final Thoughts

If you care about your marriage, fight and don’t hesitate to seek professional help. No one is required to be an expert in everything; sometimes, problems exceed our capacities. 

Talk to friends who have successful marriages. Be sure there is no such thing as a perfect marriage and that many people have had your problem. 

And after all, you shouldn’t wait for a problem to arise to have an honest conversation with your wife.