Did alcohol come between you and your husband? You just want to spend time with your husband, but he would rather spend it in the company of a bottle.
This kind of behavior of your husband opens space for various problems in your marriage.
Why would your husband rather drink than spend time with you? The first answer that comes to mind is that he is an alcoholic. However, there are other reasons behind this main problem: he is irresponsible, immature, or doesn’t enjoy your company.
You wonder where that wonderful sweet man you married is. This is definitely not the same person.
Alcohol does precisely that to people. Make them into entirely different people that we no longer recognize.
Your fear that your marriage will fail is entirely justified because alcohol abuse is extremely destructive to relationships.
According to statistics, 50% of marriages where one partner heavily drinks end in divorce.
That means you have a 50/50 chance of changing your husband’s habits and saving your marriage. Don’t worry; with the right approach, it is possible, and this article is here to help you with that.
Why Does Your Husband Prefer to Drink Instead of Spending Time With You? 4 Potential Reasons
It is easiest to say that he is an alcoholic, which is not far from the truth.
However, it is necessary to understand the deeper causes of his behavior to approach the problem correctly.
These are possible reasons why your husband chooses the bottle over you:
1. He Has a Long History of Alcohol Abuse
Have you noticed a way before that your husband likes to drink too much?
We mean about the period when you were dating and before you married.
You noticed, but you thought he would change. This is a mistake that many women make regarding their partner’s alcohol abuse.
People who consume alcohol for a long time find it challenging to eliminate this vice. Even when they occasionally stop, it’s easy to return to old habits.
The problem will not disappear if ignored, and now you understand that.
Your husband may have been into this problem for a long time, and you finally realize he is destroying your marriage.
2. He Is Immature
Your husband is still in the same mindset as before marriage.
The most important thing for him is still going out with his buddies. Of course, a lot of alcohol is included in those meetings.
His excuse is that he doesn’t really like to drink alcohol too much, but he has to drink when everyone else is already drinking. Yeah right.
Ok, you don’t have a problem if he hangs out with his friends now and then. But the same scenario is often repeated: You spend the evenings alone because he goes to binge drink with his friends.
The topic of your arguments is whether your husband married you to spend time with you or his friends.
You’re probably wondering what he’s doing there because you know he can embarrass himself under alcohol.
And the next day, there is a huge hangover. While your husband is hungover and totally useless for anything, he expects you to do everything and take care of him.
3. Your Husband Started Drinking Out of Boredom
A vast number of people turned to alcohol out of sheer boredom. That may have happened to your husband as well.
He has reached some goals in life, such as marriage and family, a good job and career, a beautiful house in an admirable part of town, and of course, there is a golden retriever as an indicator of a true idyll.
Instead of your husband enjoying all that or setting new goals for himself since he is probably goal-oriented, he decided to look for fun in a bottle.
It is characteristic of self-destructive people that just when they are at their peak, they decide to start the process of their destruction.
It may have started with just two beers for the evening, but soon those two beers doubled more and more.
Of course, you’ll feel like he’s bored of you because he doesn’t want to spend time with you.
And maybe he’s bored with everything and looking for adrenaline and excitement in the wrong places.
4. Your Husband Knows You Will Criticize Him
Alcohol knows how to be a coping mechanism and the primary source of relaxation for people. That’s why they cling to this vice so strongly.
If the addiction is so strong, alcohol can be your husband’s main source of pleasure. On the other hand, there is you who criticizes him for drinking too much, saying that he has to stop or you will leave him.
And we are not saying that your criticisms are unnecessary because your husband’s alcohol addiction is starting to seriously disrupt your life. For example, if your husband lost his job because of drinking at work.
Your criticisms are justified but also harsh. Clearly, you are angry and worried, so you do not choose your words when you talk to your husband.
How does your husband decide to deal with your criticism? By spending as little time as possible with you. Terrible way to deal with problems.
Your husband chooses alcohol instead of looking at his mistakes disrupting your marriage and life.
How Much Alcohol is Too Much?
This is a frequently asked question. Often wives do not want to lightly accuse their husbands of being alcoholics because alcohol is everywhere, and many people drink but are not alcoholics.
According to the National Institute on Alcoholism and Alcohol Abuse (NIAAA), low-risk drinking for a man involves:
- Drinking no more than four drinks on a single day
- Drinking no more than 14 drinks per week
You probably have a problem if your husband drinks more than this.
Our answer would be that alcohol is too much when it disrupts the quality of life of the person who drinks and the people around him.
What Are The Signs That Your Husband is an Alcoholic?
No wonder you question whether your husband is an alcoholic when the first sign is that he spends less and less time with you.
What are the other signs:
- He drinks to be happy – alcohol is your husband’s number one source of happiness, which is just sad.
- Drinking is his number one priority – everything else is less important; drinking comes first. We can only imagine how much this affects your marriage.
- He lies about how much he drank – your husband knows you will criticize him, so he chooses to lie.
- He starts sneaking out so he can drink – this is the part where your husband spends less and less time with you and doesn’t want to tell you where he’s been.
- He shows signs of withdrawal – increased nervousness, anxiety, and irritability are signs of addiction because they are obvious in your husband’s behavior when he does not drink for a certain period.
- He does not admit that he has a problem – despite everything, your husband refuses to accept that he has a problem.
What to Do When Your Husband Would Rather Drink Than Be With You?
You want to get your marriage back on track, or you are even thinking about whether it is possible to change your husband’s behavior.
Here’s what you need to do:
1. Don’t Ignore The Problem
The fact that everyone drinks occasionally should not be an excuse for your husband to avoid you because of drinking.
All those “boys will be boys” phrases must not be an excuse for his behavior.
The fact that you are constantly annoyed by your husband’s drinking must not be ignored and swept under the rug.
2. Express Your Concerns to Your Husband
It would be best if you talked to your husband about everything that worries you and bothers you about his drinking, including:
- Neglecting responsibilities: your husband has wholly neglected obligations around the house and is unreliable and irresponsible.
- Fear of legal problems: Alcohol often makes people behave recklessly and get into fights or arguments because of alcohol. You are also worried that your husband spends too much money on alcohol.
- Health concerns: Excessive alcohol consumption leads to various health problems, and you worry about your husband’s health.
- Bad relations between you and your spouse; Alcohol addiction of one spouse opens the way to various arguments but also creates distance and resentment between the spouses.
3. Be Supportive and Understanding
Although you are outraged and disappointed in your husband, you should support him.
Alcohol abuse is a serious disorder. People suffering from it need support to escape that hell.
Remember how sweet and kind your husband was before he started drinking too much.
Arm yourself with a lot of patience in this mission, and you can also ask for help from family members or friends who have also noticed this problem. Make it a classic “Intervention” where you all tell your husband that he has a problem.
Of course, don’t forget about the professional help your husband probably needs, as well as you, because you, too, have suffered damage due to his behavior.
Most Importantly – Know When Things Are Beyond Repairable
We understand you want to fix your marriage, but sometimes it’s impossible.
When is the time to leave? When you suffer physical or mental abuse from your husband.
Also, when you realize that you are losing yourself in that relationship and that he doesn’t want to change.
It was up to you to try to help him, and it’s not your fault if he doesn’t want help. You deserve to be in a healthy and supportive relationship.
He found his joy in drinking. In that case, you find your happiness away from him.
One thought on “My Husband Would Rather Drink Than Be With Me – What Should I Do?”
This is a second marriage, so I am humiliated that I chose someone who is not the person I believed him to be when we were dating. He goes to the bar everyday after work, and is there until 6-6:30, sometimes later. After two-three hours of drinking, he drives home. He then goes to his chair and sleeps. He spends no time with me or my children. In the weekends, he goes to the bar at about noon and is there until about six. Often when he gets home, staggering and slurring his words, he tries to pick fights with me. I have been doing my best to take care of myself and my children. He sees nothing wrong with his behavior, even though I’ve talked with him about it. Recently he told me he’s putting the house up for sale and moving out, because he can’t stand the abuse- this was after my son asked me why my husband is never home and always at the bar. Not sure what ge meant by us somehow abusing him when he is the one abusing alcohol and then verbally taking it out on me.