Holidays are the time that we traditionally spend with family. If your husband does not want to spend Christmas with your family, it is essential to know if there is a valid reason for that or if it is some kind of selfishness.
As important as love is, the quality of a marriage depends on mutual respect and trust.
If one partner treats his needs as more important than the other, the whole family will suffer.
Unless your family is extremely abusive and unpleasant, there is no reason to agree to visit only his family this Christmas.
If you have agreed that in your marriage, you will always be the one who gives in, you should not be surprised that your husband expects the same from you in this situation.
So, to know how to position yourself, it is essential to first define why your husband does not want to spend Christmas with your family.
3 Reasons Why Your Husband Doesn’t Want to Spend Christmas with Your Family
There are many different reasons why your husband would not want to spend Christmas with your family.
Some of these reasons are acceptable, but some are not and may signal that there are more serious problems in your marriage.
Indeed, the first step is to understand what is behind his desire not to spend Christmas with your family.
1. He doesn’t feel at ease with your family
Your husband never really fits in with your family. Maybe he comes from a different background. Perhaps the temperament of your family doesn’t suit him.
Still, something makes your husband always feel like a stranger or a guest around your family.
In this case, it is quite expected that your husband does not want to spend this precious holiday with people with whom he feels this way.
But that’s still not a valid reason to accept his rejection.
He is responsible for addressing how he reacts to your family. You can help him with that, but you cannot and should not save him from Christmas.
2. He refuses to burn his vacation on your family
Your husband is very dedicated to his work and rarely takes a vacation, but when he does, he wants to spend it his way.
There’s nothing wrong about this as long as this vacation is not happening during the holidays that are traditionally considered family holidays.
Plus, he must have some days off due to the holiday.
These do not count as vacation days, so he isn’t actually spending his vacation with your family.
When you are married, the question of vacation and holidays has to be a mutual decision, unless you want to spend them alone.
3. He doesn’t find your family important
Suppose your husband behaves as though your family is some formality that does not have anything to do with you.
In that case, you should probably question how he treats you. Is he taking you for granted?
Does he behave like your family is worth less than his? If he thinks so low about your family, the question is, what does he really think of you?
It is especially important if you have kids for him to understand that your kids need to have relationships with both families, regardless of how different they are.
4 Steps to Take When Your Husband Doesn’t Want to Spend Christmas with Your Family
Before you claim war, there are many things you can do to make the situation better for you and your husband.
Regardless of the reason behind his behavior, the first step is always the same – you need to talk and express clearly how you see the situation and how you feel about it.
If your husband refuses to talk about problems, it is even more important to talk.
1. Define the Situation
The first step is to understand the reason why your husband refuses to spend Christmas with your family.
If you know what makes him feel the way he does, you can influence his decision more easily.
Suppose the problem is that he doesn’t feel appreciated around your family. In that case, you must talk about that with him and know exactly why your family’s behavior makes him feel that way.
Check if there is really a reason for him to feel that way or if he perceives your family as disrespectful based on his inadequate perception.
A man who deeply believes he doesn’t deserve you may feel threatened by your family.
If he feels inferior around your family, provide him support to overcome these feelings.
2. Express Your Feelings
After you understood why your husband refused to spend holidays with your family, dealt with his feelings, and provided him comfort, it is time for you to express and communicate your feelings about the situation too.
If you behave like spending Christmas with your family is not such a big deal for you, don’t expect him to know how important that is for you actually.
It is essential that he knows and understands how you feel, why you want to spend holidays with your family, and how important these traditions are for your marriage and your kids if you have them.
If the problem was that he didn’t find your family important, maybe a pattern in your marriage enables him to ignore your feelings in other areas of your life together. You need to address this issue too.
3. Make a Plan Together
When you know each other’s needs, feelings, and wishes and have talked it all through, it is time you make a plan for Christmas so that everyone feels good about it.
Since you know what makes him reluctant to spend Christmas with your family, you can arrange together to avoid the moments and exact situations that make him feel that way.
If the problem was that he didn’t find your family important, it would be an entirely new experience for him to treat them with the respect and attention they deserve.
When you both participate in making plans, that also gives both of you a sense of control over the situation.
4. Include Activities that Make Both of You Happy
Maybe your family really is not so fun to be around, but there is surely a way for the two of you to find some activities that make you both happy.
You can plan some time for cake and coffee in the afternoon just for the two of you, a walk, or anything else you enjoy.
Holidays should not be a responsibility you try to avoid but a time when you look forward to spending some time with the people you love.
Tips for Effective Communication and Conflict Resolution
- Put emotions first. Although facts are significant, a person’s feelings are what really count. Keep an eye out and pay close attention to hear the other person out.
- Ignore difficult inquiries. When someone questions your authority, draw their focus back to the current situation.
- Set boundaries. Give the other person clear, basic, and enforceable restrictions if their actions are aggressive, overly defensive, or disruptive. Offer any good options or choices first.
- Pick carefully what you insist on. Select the laws that can be negotiated and those that cannot. You can prevent needless conflicts if you can provide someone.
- Be understanding and impartial. Whether or whether you agree with the other person’s sentiments, they are genuine to them. Please take note of them.
- Observe your personal space. By granting personal space, you can help the other person feel less anxious and stop the issue from worsening. Try to avoid getting too near to the other person—stand a few feet apart if possible.
- Use friendly nonverbal cues. One hears the other person’s remarks less and less as they lose control. Be aware of your actions, tone of voice, and face and body language.
- Try not to overreact. Keep your act composed. Although you have no control over the other person’s actions, how you react to them will directly affect whether the situation escalates or diffuses.
- Observe some stillness to contemplate. Silence may be a potent communication tool by allowing a person to think about what is occurring and how to go forward.
- Give yourself time to decide. When disturbed, you and your husband might not be able to think coherently on demand. Give him some time to consider.