When we marry, we expect to be the center of the other person’s world.
But what happens when your husband does not treat you as the center of his world and gives more importance to his mother than to you?
You should not put up with this because if you allow him to treat you this way, it will only worsen in the future.
One of the most important conditions for a successful marriage is to have a healthy relationship with your parents.
Suppose a woman is still idealizing her father at the moment when she is entering a partnership like marriage. In that case, she will always compare her husband to her father.
When a man idealizes his mother and is overly attached to her at the moment when he enters a marriage, there’s a high chance the marriage won’t last.
It is natural that the family you are starting is more important to you than the family you’re leaving behind.
Therefore, you have every right to expect your husband to appreciate your opinion more than his mother’s.
In this article, we will explore the reasons why your husband treats you as less important than his mother, as well as how to confront his behavior.
3 Reasons Why Your Husband Gives More Importance to His Mother than to You
For any child, his parents are the most important people in the world.
Suppose your husband finds his mother the most important person in his world.
In that case, although he is no longer a child, it can be a sign of his immaturity, developmental trauma, possessive parent, and so on.
The first step to combating this behavior is identifying the forces that drive it.
Keep reading to learn what makes your husband always choose his mother over you.
1. Controlling Mother
Children who grow up with a controlling mother face many mental health issues.
Thanks to the mother’s exaggerated and intrusive control, children learn they can not rely on themselves, so they usually grow up believing they are incompetent and unable to do anything independently.
In case they find support outside the family, they may become rebellious toward their mother.
But, in most cases, the controlling mother subtly isolates the child from his peers’ influence, so the child is eventually left with no choice but to obey.
If your husband grew up with such a mother, he might find it impossible to confront her, disagree with her, or do anything that will upset her.
He may feel the need to report to her, check every decision you make together, and consult her about everything. He generally has trouble setting boundaries with his family.
What you need to know if your husband has a controlling mother:
- Your husband is unaware of how his behavior toward his mother is demeaning to you.
- Your husband has an irrational feeling that the world will crash if he speaks up to his mother.
- Your husband needs support, not criticism, however hard it may feel for you to support him while you feel he treats you less than his mother.
What Can You Do to Change the Situation?
Your husband probably doesn’t have a clue about how you feel when he puts his mother first.
Since he was literally trained as a child to obey his mother, he will feel incredibly guilty if he tries to confront her.
What he needs from you is honest support and belief in him.
Tell him that you believe he is competent, strong, and powerful enough to make his own decisions.
Show him that you rely on him for your well-being and that you have no doubt he is independent and capable of taking care of your family and children.
Don’t push him to contradict his mother, confront her or fight with her.
When he feels strong enough to leave the toxic relationship with his mother, he will. If possible, offer him professional help or marriage counseling.
2. Toxic, Manipulative Mother
Suppose your partner’s mother felt lonely in marriage.
In that case, if she was a widow or left alone for any other reason, she may have unconsciously used her child (your husband) as a comfort.
Suppose a child grows up with a mother who is emotionally overwhelmed with anxiety, grief, or other feelings that prevent her from dedicating herself to the child.
In that case, the child may respond by feeling responsible for the mother’s well-being.
Some mothers get so used to relying on their kids to comfort them that they continue playing guilt-based games even when the child is a fully grown adult.
That’s particularly typical of boys’ mothers.
In this scenario, the child believes that the mother’s overall well-being depends on him, so he always puts her first because he can’t stand the guilt he feels when his mother is not satisfied.
What you need to know if your husband has a toxic mother:
- Don’t put him in a situation where he has to choose between his mother and you.
- Don’t behave like his mother, and don’t try to manipulate him with your feelings. You’ll only put him under severe stress.
- Don’t badmouth his mother in front of him. He may feel obliged to defend her.
What Can You Do to Change the Situation?
What would be completely new for your husband is to encourage him to focus on his needs and feelings.
He has been pushed all his life to take care of his mother, so he must have learned many strategies to suppress his feelings.
Give him room to express his feelings and encourage him to share his worries with you.
3. His Infantile Mother Disrespects You
If your husband grew up with an immature mother, it is very possible that she calls you a competitor.
Maybe she interfered so much in his life while you weren’t there, but since he is now not only her son but also your husband, she feels a childish desire to defeat you.
And she does it by manipulating and blackmailing her son, that is, your husband.
This can be a very painful situation for your husband.
Even if he managed to become a mature and stable person next to such a mother, it would still not be easy for him in this situation.
What you need to know if your husband has an emotionally immature mother:
- His mother feels and behaves like a child – reason can’t get to her.
- Don’t fall for his mother’s petty games. Just ignore her and provide support to your husband instead.
- His mother will never be capable of truly understanding what she is doing to you or to her son.
What Can You Do to Change the Situation?
He must give up his previous family in favor of the one you are building together.
He probably still has to mature a lot if he doesn’t understand this or doesn’t want anything to change.
He may need professional assistance transitioning from his perpetual youth to completely autonomous adulthood.
The majority of us like spending time with our families, so it’s OK for him to feel the same way.
However, it’s crucial that he also enjoys spending time with you, whether it be by yourself or with your kids, doing activities that couples and families do together.
In The End, Do You Want to Be His Second Best?
They’ve been family to me longer than we’ve been together is a typical defense used when your husband puts his family before you.
In essence, they are saying that since they have all been close friends and sources of support for each other for as long as your spouse has been alive, they – and their opinions, wants, needs, and preferences – should take precedence over yours.
This is nonsense.
Family members aren’t something we get to pick, but we do get to choose our life partners.
This individual selected you for a purpose and publicly professed their commitment to loving, honoring, and supporting you.
In essence, he has broken the terms of the contract by acting the way he is doing right now.
He promised to stick by your side through good times and bad, but now he’s breaking his word. Instead, he’s letting people mistreat you, show you no respect, and make you feel awful.
Despite the fact that he may have a tight relationship with his blood relatives, he picked you to be a part of this family. In light of this, he must realize that concessions must be made.
The most crucial thing is that if you are being mistreated, he ought to stick by you, be your ally, and protect you, even by the people he loves.
Nothing is more agonizing than living with a husband who always sides with his mother. It might seem as though he cares more about her than about you.
Quite simply, there are no great options if he won’t alter his behavior and treat you equally with his family.