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My Wife Yells at Me, Should I Yell Back?

Mutual respect is the cornerstone of every healthy marriage.

The core of the relationship becomes severely damaged when partners start to yell, scream regularly, and swear at each other.

Your wife has absolutely no right to subject you to this or any other form of emotional abuse.

Should you yell back when your wife yells at you? Instead of yelling back at her, understand the reason for her behavior, try to communicate calmly, and reevaluate the problems in your relationship.

Stressed young married family couple arguing emotionally, blaming lecturing each other, sitting on couch

The only way a situation where your wife constantly yells at you can evolve is that you either become numb and eventually resentful or that you start yelling back.

Either way, the love and respect you once had for one another will inevitably fade away. 

And when your wife treats you with such disdain, it becomes even harder, if not impossible, to understand what really bothers her and what the real cause of her behavior is. 

Why is Your Wife Yelling at You?

What is actually hiding behind this behavior?

Although we are often culturally conditioned to believe that bullying in a relationship typically comes from a man, women can be just as abusive. 

Yelling is an act of a bully who is attempting to control and dominate the other person by provoking fear. 

A woman who uses yelling to control her partner will also often play the victim in the relationship, although she is the one who is victimizing the partner. 

Anger is an emotion that tells us we need to change something or that we need the other person to change something in the way they behave towards us. 

Unresolved anger often turns into a blind rage that pops out in totally inappropriate situations.

A person who often bursts into anger typically has low self-esteem, underdeveloped communication skills, and a low level of emotional literacy. 

Your wife may have gone through terrible tribulations in life that caused her to act in such a way, yet no past experience, however traumatic, can serve as an excuse for her constantly yelling at you. 

Trying to modify your wife’s behavior will not work.

If you want to save your marriage, you must first recognize the real causes and the pattern of her behavior and your role in it. 

This understanding doesn’t guarantee you will be able to save the marriage, but it does guarantee you will be able to save yourself from further abuse. 

How To React When Your Wife Yells At You? 

Two young lovers quarreling because of disagreements

First, you have to know that absolutely nothing can justify the verbal abuse you are subjected to.

If your wife feels like she can yell at you, she either estimates you will put up with that, or she is so fed up with something about you that she can’t control herself any longer. 

Either way, you have to stand up for yourself and not let her (or anyone) yell at you for whatever reason.

Even when you are to blame, there’s no reason why she couldn’t talk about it with you in a civilized manner and keep her anger in check. 

As long as you keep putting up with her yelling, she will continue to bully you.

The abused partner may often try to rationalize the bullying partner’s behavior by claiming that their wife is unable to control themselves, that they simply have a quick temper or any other explanation they can think of. 

In the adult world, we are capable of controlling our tempers, but some of us choose not to because they have been allowed to get away with their bad behavior for so long.

Yelling back is not a solution.

It will only make the situation escalate and possibly trigger physical violence, or your wife may use it against you to play the victim, where she will only find new justifications for the next round of yelling. 

Suppose your attempt to resolve the issue at hand in a reasonable, calm manner is ignored and you find it impossible to stand up for yourself.

In that case, you can either accept the role of a martyr or leave the relationship. 

Is Your Wife Really Unable to Control Herself?

If your wife claims that she can’t control herself and that yelling is just a part of her that you should get used to, you have to ask yourself a couple of things. 

Does she have outbursts of bad temper at work, with friends, or in public – if the answer to at least two of these questions is no, then you can be sure your wife can control her temper but chooses not to. 

She simply knows that you will put up with whatever she throws at you. 

Changing this pattern of behavior can be really hard for both partners.

Once you realize her disrespectful behavior and how you enabled it, you may never want to return to that relationship. 

On the other hand, once she realizes you are no longer the person who will put up with her demeanor, she may find a different excuse to leave the relationship too. 

Ask for Professional Help

Psychological session and dealing with problems in relationships

If you want to save your relationship and are deeply motivated to do so, then seeking professional help is the best course of action.

Psychological counselors and psychotherapists are trained to quickly see through the abusive patterns. 

They have the tools and knowledge to help you change and grow as a couple to overcome the issue at hand. But, bear in mind that couple therapy only works if both partners are willing to participate. 

Don’t Threaten to Leave, Just Do It

If your wife genuinely cannot manage her anger and refuses professional help, you don’t really have a choice but to leave.

Any person who allows themselves to spiral out of control may turn aggressive at some point

This type of issue may be worse if your wife drinks or uses drugs.

If you have kids, it is particularly damaging for them to witness the abusive relationship between the two people they depend on the most. 

Explain to your wife calmly that the next time she behaves in this manner, you will leave and that she must stop yelling immediately.

Then, make sure you have a plan in place and are prepared to leave the moment she starts yelling at you again.

In Conclusion 

Emotional abuse may not be as obvious as physical abuse, but it is just as damaging.

Day by day, it takes more life joy from you until it leaves you completely exhausted and unable to move forward. 

Don’t wait for the abusive behavior to become a habit.

React swiftly the first time you feel your wife is crossing the boundaries of a healthy argument.